DEEP&DIRTY - Leanne Yau - Polyamory & Non-Monogamy

What Does It Mean to Be Non-Monogamous?

Polyamory and non-monogamy are more than just buzzwords; they represent an approach to relationships that prioritizes openness, communication, and personal growth. In a recent Deep and Dirty podcast episode, I had the pleasure of speaking with Leanne Yau, an award-winning polyamory educator, writer, and speaker, to explore the nuances of non-monogamy, the misconceptions surrounding it, and the hurdles and opportunities that come with opening a relationship.

Breaking the Myths About Polyamory

One of the biggest misconceptions about polyamory? That it’s all about sex. “People assume that polyamory just means having tons of sex with tons of people,” Leanne said, “but in reality, polyamory is about relationships—romantic, emotional, and logistical as well as physical.”

She explained that polyamory falls under the larger umbrella of non-monogamy, which can include everything from open relationships to casual dating. The key difference is that polyamory specifically involves romantic non-exclusivity—the ability to have deep, meaningful connections with multiple partners at the same time.

And for those who think being polyamorous means an endless stream of exciting dates, Leanne had a reality check: “If anything, being polyamorous shrinks your dating pool. Most people are monogamous, so finding aligned partners actually takes work.”

Opening a Relationship: What to Expect

For couples considering opening their relationship, Leanne emphasized that clear communication and self-awarenessare essential. Many people assume they’ll be fine with non-monogamy in theory but then struggle with emotions like jealousy, fear, or insecurity when it becomes real.

Leanne compared it to training for a marathon—just because the first few miles are tough doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for it. “You build endurance. You learn your limits. But you have to be willing to do the work,” she said.

She also acknowledged that one of the hardest dynamics is when one partner is more enthusiastic about opening the relationship than the other. In such cases, it’s crucial to create space for individual processing and personal growthrather than rushing forward.

The Role of Boundaries and Agreements

When it comes to setting boundaries in non-monogamous relationships, many couples initially create rigid rules to feel safe. “People start off with rules like ‘You can’t have sleepovers’ or ‘You can’t develop feelings for someone else,’” Leanne noted. “But what they’re really doing is trying to control something they feel anxious about.”

Instead of focusing on restrictions, she encourages partners to ask:

• What am I actually afraid of?
• How can we meet each other’s needs without controlling each other?
• How do we make sure agreements evolve over time?

Boundaries, she explained, should be about self-advocacy, not control—they should define what you need to feel safe and respected, rather than limit what your partner is allowed to do.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Non-Monogamy

Opening a relationship is not just about adding new people—it’s about unlearning old relationship scripts. “A lot of people struggle not because polyamory is inherently difficult, but because they’re deprogramming everything they were taught about love, commitment, and ownership,” Leanne said.

That means even experienced non-monogamous people will still have hard days. “You can be totally fine with your partner dating, and then one day, you’re just not,” she admitted. The key is resilience—being able to work through those feelings, communicate them, and not mistake discomfort for a sign that non-monogamy isn’t working.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

Leanne pointed out that the pandemic was a catalyst for many people questioning traditional relationship norms. “More and more people, especially women, are realizing that the standard monogamous model doesn’t necessarily align with their identity or desires,” she explained.

In particular, many women in their 40s and beyond are discovering they may not be straight—or that they want to explore different aspects of their sexuality and relationship structures. “The number of women between 40 and 60 who are realizing they’re not heterosexual is staggering,” she said.

Finding Your Own Path

Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but exploring what you truly want in a relationship is a journey worth taking. Whether monogamous or not, everyone benefits from better communication, self-reflection, and breaking free from outdated relationship norms.

So if you’ve ever been curious about non-monogamy or feel drawn to something beyond the traditional model, Leanne’s advice is simple:
💡 Start with self-reflection. What do you actually want?
💡 Be honest with yourself and your partner. Avoid saying “yes” when you mean “maybe.”
💡 Embrace the process. It’s not about getting it “right” from the start, but about growing through the journey.

Book Recommendations

• The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix – A short and insightful guide for those navigating anxiety in non-monogamous relationships.

• Feel It All by Casey Tanner – A book about rebuilding your relationship to sex and embracing emotional awareness.

• Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel – A deep dive into the tension between love and desire in long-term relationships.

• The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel – An exploration of the complexities of infidelity and what people seek in additional partners.

About Leanne Yau

Leanne Yau is a British award-winning polyamory educator, writer, speaker, and trainee psychosexual therapist. She has been openly non-monogamous since 2016 and creates educational and entertaining content about building sustainable non-monogamous relationships. She runs Polyphilia Blog, offering resources, coaching, and insights on polyamory, sex positivity, and relationship dynamics.

📍 Website: polyphiliablog.com
📍 Instagram: @polyphiliablog

Listen and Learn More

Listen to the full conversation on Deep & Dirty wherever you get your podcasts.

• 🕒 Time: Available Now

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• Read the transcript on Substack.
• Watch the video on YouTube.