Secret Masturbation in Relationships

Why we keep solo pleasure private, the psychology behind it, and how secrecy shapes intimacy

Do You Masturbate in Secret?

Be honest: have you ever slipped into the bathroom at night while your partner was asleep, or had a quick orgasm on the sofa before they came home? Have you ever watched porn you’d never share, or fantasised about someone your partner doesn’t even know?

And afterwards — did you feel a little guilty? Or did you tell yourself: “This is just mine”?

So here’s the big question: is secret masturbation hiding… or is it just another way of being human?

Why We Do It — The Psychology of Privacy

Masturbation is intimacy with yourself. You don’t need to perform, explain, or compromise. Psychologist Donald Winnicott once wrote, “It is a joy to be hidden, but a disaster not to be found.” Private masturbation sits exactly there: the joy of hiding, with the option of revealing later.

Even in the most loving relationships, we carry what psychologists call the separate self — an inner world of fantasies, fears, and cravings that don’t always overlap with our partner’s. Secret masturbation protects that space.

Sometimes it’s practical. Sometimes it’s exploratory — testing a fantasy you’re not ready to share. And sometimes, it’s about autonomy: reminding yourself you belong to yourself first.

Sex researcher Jack Morin described how our erotic lives revolve around erotic core themes — recurring emotional scenarios like freedom, surrender, shame, or rebellion. Secret self-pleasure often activates those themes because the secrecy itself makes it hotter.

The Myths About Secret Masturbation

Let’s bust a few myths:

“If you masturbate, your partner isn’t enough.”
Not true. Masturbation is not a downgrade, it’s simply different. Think of it like solo exercise vs. working out with a friend — both are valid, both feel good.
“If you keep it secret, you’re betraying them.”
There’s a difference between deception and privacy. Hiding an affair is betrayal. Hiding a wank? Usually self-care.
“Masturbation in relationships should always be shared.”
Why? Some things are better together, some are better solo. Variety is what keeps sexuality alive.

What the Numbers Say

If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. Research from the Journal of Sex Research found that over 70% of partnered adults masturbate without their partner knowing. Another survey published in Archives of Sexual Behavior showed that more than half of men and women believe masturbation helps maintain sexual well-being in long-term relationships.

Translation: most people do it — and many believe it actually helps, not harms, their connection.

Secret Masturbation as Exploration

Think of your solo sessions as research.

That late-night porn you don’t bookmark? That’s data. That orgasm you have imagining your colleague, your ex, or a wild orgy? That’s rehearsal.

Sometimes you never share it, because the fantasy is best kept in your head. Other times, you bring it up later — once you’ve tested it enough to find the words. Either way, the orgasm isn’t a rejection of your partner. It’s a conversation with yourself.

Tips: How to Make Peace With Private Pleasure

Reframe secrecy as privacy. Privacy is not betrayal — it’s part of a healthy self.
Balance solo and shared sex. If both have space, you’re fine. If you only want one, get curious why.
Get playful with sharing. You don’t need to confess every session, but you could drop hints about fantasies you’ve explored alone.
Let go of guilt. Remember: your erotic imagination doesn’t need to be morally correct. It just needs to feel good.

When It Might Signal Something Deeper

Secret masturbation is usually harmless — even healthy. But if you’re avoiding sex with your partner altogether, if you feel overwhelming shame every time, or if it becomes compulsive to the point of affecting daily life, it’s worth pausing. That might be the moment to talk to a therapist or sexologist.