Unlock your anal sex potential now!
Anal sex facts, myths and tips for you and your bumhole.
Bum fun, anal sex, butt play, packing fudge or the “other hole”
Are you having it already? Do you want to have it? Then stop everything you’re doing and read this article for all the tips, tricks and ideas you need to know about anal sex!
Sex is slowly evolving to be less of a taboo subject at the coffee table. But mention bum fun, butt play, what what in the butt, packing fudge or the “other hole” and you will soon enough see which of your friends think it is socially acceptable to talk about, let alone have anal sex.
Recent times have seen anal sex becoming more prominent in the media due to pop culture and porn. Even TikTok and Instagram are having a hard time censoring the peach movement. But it is still not enough.
Those that are having it and those who want to have it often think it’s something dirty and blasphemous (and worst of all, something only gays have) and so with so little information out in the open they are not fully informed and equipped.
END THE ANAL SEX STIGMA & SHAMING!
Facts and guides need to be brought to the surface.
But let’s start with some facts:
In a new study from Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, where more than 2,000 men and women were interviewed about their sexual behaviors, they found that nearly 43 percent of men and 37 percent of women reported having anal sex with the opposite sex in their lifetime. Source: Men’s Health
According to a 2005 study by the CDC, however, anywhere between “55 and 80 percent of gay males participate in anal sex.” That leaves a whooping 20 to percent of the gay male community uninterested in spreading those cheeks for penetrative anal sex. Source: DailyDot
Research suggests that nearly half of men and women have engaged in anal intercourse and orgasm rates are actually higher for women who include anal play in their erotic repertoire. That’s right! Among women who had anal sex during their last encounter, 94 percent had an orgasm versus only 84 percent of those who received oral and 65 percent of those who had vaginal intercourse.
Source: National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior conducted by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion, Indiana University
And here a wonderful excerpt from Wikipedia for those who might desire an exact description:
Anal sex or anal intercourse is generally the insertion and thrusting of the erect penis into a person’s anus, or anus and rectum, for sexual pleasure.
History of anal sex: how come it’s so taboo?
Without diving into it entirely (because religious and controversial posts are best left unwritten), it is first and foremost rooted in the bible. Check this out and you’ll understand:
Definition of sodomy:
anal or oral copulation with a member of the same or opposite sex
From the bible:
You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.
If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.
So, yeah. That’s deeply ingrained in our society. Check out Dr. Sprankle if you’re interested in more fun stuff/memes about sex and religion in general.
You’re a slut if you like anal.
Goodness me, are we not past this in today’s society? What gives you pleasure, makes you happy. If that’s buying new curtains or having anal in the privacy of your home once in a blue moon, do it. It doesn’t make you a bad person, you’re not going to burn to a crisp and if someone judges you, they’re obviously jealous and gagging for some backdoor action. You’re not a slut.
Similarly, in the eighties and nineties the first few cases of HIV/AIDS arose and surfaced in the media. Quite rapidly it was associated with homosexuals. The syndrome was initially called gay-related immune deficiency (or GRID). This was mainly due to the fact that cases were homosexual men.
Unbeknown they would see the rise in cases amongst heterosexuals too. So there is an inane misconception that men who engage in anal sex are homosexuals. Consider this if you are interested in exploring anal; your partner may be prejudiced by society’s expectations, stereotypes and beliefs.
But that needn’t affect you. What you do, you do. So do you.
This is what medicine tells us:
Medicine shows that there are a million and one nerve endings around and in the anus. This means stimulation of any sort (whether penetration, licking or touch) already means fireworks.
For the penetrator it’s tighter than the vagina. Sounds like a win to me if everyone’s on board! When a man is penetrated, it stimulates the prostate (a walnut-sized gland which you can feel through the wall of the rectum about five centimetres inside).
In other words, we’ve been given all these nerves that love to be touched and we are letting society inhibit us with it’s negative, judgy attitude. Nah, no way.
With medicine on our side, it can only be societal pressure, judgement, our own psyche and fear of the unknown holding us back. So let’s get you clued up and in the right mindspace. Step-by-step with the exciting stuff at the end.
And to make a positive out of a negative: thrive in that sense of taboo and make it yours. If you’re feeling ashamed or funny, turn the lights off. Go at your own pace. It’s meant to be pleasurable for you both.
Consent & communication
Let’s talk it through one thing after another. If you are interested in playing with your partner’s anus or want your own played with, you’re going to want to run it by them first. Don’t just oops in the backdoor, please. By talking first, you might already realise where a problem might arise (is your partner worried about faeces, pain, what to do?).
Find an undisturbed moment (not while you’re having sex) and share your thoughts with your partner:
- “I’m interested in giving/receiving anal sex / play. Would you like to talk about it?”
- “I’ve been reading about anal sex and wanted to know if you would like to explore it with me.
Give them some time to think it through and don’t put pressure on them. Perhaps explore it together online with articles and info or check out toys used for anal play.
If they say no- try not to be too disappointed. This will only put more pressure on them. Give them more time and perhaps approach the subject again at a later time.
If they say yes- welcome to this blog post that you are welcome to share with your partner as to be best prepared for that adventure to the “other hole”.
Moreover, when you decide to embark on the adventure, be sure to maintain that communication and consent. Ask if it’s ok, if they’re feeling alright, if it feels good, whether to go slower or faster. There is no such thing as too much talking when you are about to engage in a sexual act that could leave someone in pain.
Perhaps establish some words (as in BDSM) that signal yes (that’s great), slow down, talk to me and finally no (hard stop).
Ultimately: no means no and stop means stop.
It gets easier and more natural as you progress but just think of it as your deflowering all over again. Be gentle with each other!
The anus / rectum
The anus has two rings of muscles near the entrance. The outer ring can be controlled, which means you can tense and relax these muscles at will. The inner ring is involuntary, which means it can’t be controlled. Instead, you need to be fully relaxed for these muscles to accept penetration comfortably. The rectum is the area inside the anus.
IMPORTANT: The rectum does not produce its own lubrication in response to sexual stimulation.
Source: Smart Sex Resource
Here is a diagram for a better understanding. Source: Wikimedia Commons
Anal orgasm for those with a vagina: anal penetration indirectly stimulates the A-spot in the vagina. The A-spot, or anterior fornix, is located deep inside the vagina — around 5 or 6 inches in.
Anal orgasm for those with a penis: you can stimulate the P-spot through the perineum, which is the runway of skin between the balls and the anus. Or head inside through the anus — about two inches.
Mental state of mind
It’s safe to say, if you are stressed, anxious, scared or feeling vulnerable or coerced when engaging in anal sex, there are going to be issues.
As the inner ring of your anus needs complete relaxation, it’s pretty clear that you should be in the right mindspace. Talk to your partner, be honest about how you are feeling and speak up before, during and after.
And of utmost importance: get in the mood together. No surprises. Start your sexy session the way you always do. I find it pleasurable to have orgasmed before we initiate anal play. It makes me relax.
To sum up, figure out what works for you and your partner. And don’t forget to breathe! That pleasurable sensation will not come if you are tense and contracting. Breathe.
The poop issue / Health, hygiene & safety
Firstly, one of the biggest issues, doubts, hesitations and reluctance reasons why people don’t want to try anal is the poop / faeces matter. Let’s be clear about something: poop comes out of your bum. Newton’s third law of motion states, “What comes up, must come down.” Once you have fully accepted this, we can move forward.
Secondly, health, hygiene and safety come first. Please, wash. Not only your anus but also your hands and mouth. It goes both ways. Micro tears can occur. Please talk with your partner about STI’s before engaging in anal play / sex. Also, trim and file nails and make sure you are not inserting anything with rough or sharp edges.
Therefore, condoms are recommended whole-heartedly. You can’t get pregnant from anal but it has been known that leaked semen has entered the vagina during penetration so be safe and not sorry.
It’s recommended to experiment with anal sex only if you’ve had a bowel movement (poop) in the past 3-6 hours. Try going again 30-60 minutes before. If you’ve got a log pushing down, avoid anal sex. Have a warm shower before and be sure to dry properly. If you’re constipated, have diarrhea or in general feel a little bloated or achy, just don’t do it.
Another alternative is to use an anal douche (enema). But it’s not essential and certainly not recommended on a regular basis. Your bowel stores the poop quite high up before it releases it. If you are aware of the fact that poop comes out your bum and you’re about to insert something or someone, then that should put you at ease. Here is a link about rectal douches if you’re still not sold but please read all the small print. Your bum tube (colon) was not meant for regular washing.
A healthy diet can regulate bowel movements. Have a look at your intake of protein and fiber (it needs to be the right mix). Not too much coffee, alcohol or carbonated drinks and plenty of water and you should drop a log easily before your big mind-blowing anal session.
If you’re feeling uncertain, use a toy during your solo-play and see where there’s poop after you’ve pulled it out again. You may just be surprised.
For anal sex, you can use a condom (that way any residue remains off the skin) and there are dental dams if you are headed down there with your mouth and tongue. If you don’t have any, you can cut a medical glove to fit (using one of the finger holes for your tongue and leaving a good big piece around to cover the anus). Similarly, if you are worried about getting it on your fingers, use medical gloves.
This may all sound a little unsexy (putting gloves on, dental dams) but see it on the bright side (you are feeling better about engaging in anal fun) and communicate that to your partner!
Biggest go-to: lay a towel out. You never know what might happen and by having a towel out you can fold it up and chuck it in the wash after.
Body hair: this is such a personal matter. Shaved, waxed or au naturel, just be aware that poop can cling to hairs around the anus. Be sure to wash properly before and after to avoid irritation or sores.
Anal sex may involve poop. There might be a smell or traces of it on the condom/fingers/penis. If this causes you to clench, you know it’s not for you.
WORD OF WARNING: no anal to vaginal play (double dipping)! This is extremely important: there are many bacteria in the anus and these must NEVER go into the vagina otherwise you risk serious infections. If you’ve played enough and want to go back to vaginal intercource or play, be sure to wash and check nails for any leftovers.
STIs can be transmitted by:
- penis-in-anus penetration
- skin-to-skin contact between genitals and anus
- oral-anal contact (rimming)
- sharing sex toys without cleaning between uses
For more health and safety information including potential STI’s head over to Bustle for a succinct, comprehensive and short lowdown.
Lube, lube, lube
Sexual arousal does not mean lubrication of your anus!
Repeat after me: we need lube, we need lube, we need lube. Be sure to grab the right kind. There is water-based, silicone-based and oil-based. The best lubricants for anal sex are water- or silicone-based, as they reduce friction and the risk of a condom / glove breaking or ripping. But if you are planning on trying anal in the shower, water-based would not be ideal.
Do not, I repeat, do not go for baby oil, fat or any other type of grease you find in the kitchen. Again, you risk hurting yourself or your partner and there’s no pleasure in that.Live Healthily has a lovely guide to finding the right lube for you: click here.
WORD OF WARNING: don’t use numbing creams. This will have the opposite desired effect. If you can’t feel your anus, you won’t be able to indicate when it might hurt. Equally, if having anal sex for the first time, I do not recommend doing it intoxicated or under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. You need to be fully aware of what’s happening and how your partner and your own body react.
DIY Anal play
From friend to friend, I always encourage the receiver of anal to explore it on their own first. It can be incredibly daunting to venture into anal sex with a partner without having any idea what’s coming.
Take some time to explore the sensations yourself. Have plenty of lube at the ready (or start off in the shower; more about the “poop issue” in the next paragraph) and perhaps invest in a small toy.
Try and get into a normal masturbation (self-pleasure) groove first. Preparation is everything. Once you’re feeling relaxed, apply plenty of lube to finger and anus and probe. You can dip a finger in, then two, then three etc. You can play on the outside, try flicking, pushing, massaging (see anal fingering further down).
A great way to stimulate the G-Spot (on men) is to insert your finger and use a beckoning motion. The best position is on your back as it helps you relax.
The more comfortable you get, relax and see what works for you. Maybe a vaginal toy, clitoral stimulation, masturbation or a small dildo at the same time. Figure out what works for you and you will be able to communicate that to your partner.
Rimming / Analingus (eating butt, butt licking)
Rimming is the act of using one’s tongue to lick/ stimulate a partner’s anus for sexual pleasure. You are literally stimulating the rim (fisting is not part of this blog post). Besides using your fingers (please make sure your nails are clean and cut), using your tongue is a more intimate act which exacerbates the taboo feeling. Make it intimate, reassure each other that you both want this.
- the receiver is most comfy on their back with their legs up. That way you maintain eye contact and trust. You can pop a pillow under the receiver’s bum to lift it for maximum access.
- Alternatively, the receiver can kneel and the giver can kneel behind them and bend over. Please remain aware, if the receiver has a vulva / vagina, that faecal matter (should there be any) can run down in this position.
- The popular 69 (this way you can both play!): face to genitals, one lying on top of the other.
The different methods:
- Licking: flat tongue, in circles or up and down
- Poking: tongue hard and poking in and out with the tip (be aware, there is more risk of coming into contact with poop with this method)
- 360°: don’t forget the rest of the anus. Lick around the sides too
Anal foreplay is of utmost importance
So we’ve covered trying it on your own and rimming. These are the methods you’re going to want to use to get ready for anal sex. It’s not a go-to like cunnilingus. You can’t just start your session with bum fun.
It takes preparation, relaxation, lubrication and communication.
It’s an intimate act that requires complete trust. As mentioned before, talk to each other and keep talking it through: “Do you like this?” “Can I put my finger in?” “Do you want more lube?”… It may seem weird and awkward and like too much talking at first but I guarantee you it’s what will make the encounter a regular occurrence or a one-off.
Meanwhile, a wonderful way to start is with a massage (you can focus on the sacral / lower back). Massages are known to relax us and the receiver is already on their back. You can thus begin massaging the bum after a while and exploring the anus that way. A clit suction toy can also be used by the receiver to add stimulation.
There are lots of different ways to finger. Before you start, be sure to relax your partner with some external play.
- Draw big circles around the hole
- Draw smaller circles
- One finger stroke (in one direction over the hole)
- Three finger stroke (in one direction over the hole) for wider stimulation
- One finger rub all over the hole
- Three finger rub all over the hole
- Stroke down beside the hole with both hands to release tension
- Stroke up, both thumbs
When they communicate they are ready for penetration, try with one finger first up to your first finger joint at the most. This is the internal muscle that must relax before penetration of any sort. Try tickling it a little with your finger. If they are open and ready you’ll feel the muscles loosen, otherwise they’re not ready.
Once you’re inside, try different approaches: a soft finger in circling motions, a hard finger pushing up or down, vibrate your hand to make your finger wobble, slowly slide it in and out and finally, insert more fingers as your partner sees fit.
Will it fit? Will it hurt?
Another worry point is the size issue. The receiver may be frightened that it will hurt. This is normal. We normally have things coming out of our butts and not going in.
Anal sex should not hurt.
There may be slight discomfort initially but if this occurs then you’re not quite ready yet. Re-visit the previous steps to be sure you are completely ready.
If what is going in is vast in diameter, yes, there will probably be pain. But that’s not necessarily what you’re after and the average, or even above average penis or dildo, should fit if the receiver is ready.
Voice your concerns so you are both prepared for that communication to happen.
Anal sex positions
Be sure to be comfortable in whatever position you choose. If you are not, if the penetration feels too deep or uncomfortable, change the position!
- Missionary: the receiver lies on their back with their legs in the air, with the giver knelt between the legs. In this position there is maximum trust and eye contact.
- Doggy: the receiver kneels on all fours with the giver knelt behind them. This can be incredibly sexual if you use dirty talk simultaneously as you maintain your connection and perhaps voice your needs more.
- Massage (face down): the receiver lies on their stomach with their bum raised slightly (you can use a pillow below the hips). The giver kneels over them to penetrate.
- Cowgirl: this is a little more advanced as the receiver is in control. The receiver straddles the giver (lying down, legs together) and thereby can control the depth of penetration.
- Reverse cowgirl: the cowgirl but facing away from the giver.
- Standing up in the shower: if the thought of poop still icks/grosses you out, head into the shower. The angle from behind might be tricky at first but the warm water and the poop thing might put you more at ease.
When having anal sex for the first time (but also later) it’s imperative that you allow the receiver to guide you. By guide I mean the depth, speed and angle of penetration.
OMG, there’s poop
Okay, you remember how I told you poop comes out your butt? There you go. Now don’t be an ass about it. Don’t comment on it. Like a midwife casually wipes away poop during childbirth, find something to wipe it with (best case you have this prepared already) and reassure your already most likely embarrassed partner that everything is fine.
Should there really be a shitty situation (pun intended) be sure to see a doctor for possible bowel issues.
Toys & other stimulation
There are some wonderful toys out there for you to incorporate in your solo anal play or with a partner. The most important thing to watch out for is a flared base. This might seem very apparent to you but urologists have stories that will have you think twice. What does flared base mean? It has a bigger part at the bottom of the inserted bit as to stop it slipping in entirely and disappearing.
Explore your local sex shop or online for plugs, vibrating plugs, anal beads, dildos, butt vibrators and more.
Another word about the anal orgasm: don’t get fixated on it. It doesn’t work for everyone and perhaps it also requires other stimulation. Don’t forget the vagina, clit, penis & erogenous zones. The combination of their stimulation plus anal play or penetration may be the money-maker.
Additional stimulation is partially essential. Not all women can orgasm from anal penetration alone. She can stimulate her clit, nipples or use an internal, vaginal vibrating egg for extra sensations.
Anal sex is hardcore and lacks intimacy
This is a common misconception. And it’s fueled by the porn industry. But anal sex is not porn! You don’t need to spread your butt cheeks to reveal a squeaky clean, gaping hole. You don’t need to make loud noises.
In a 2010 study, researchers watched the 50 most popular porn movies and found 356 depictions, in 55 percent of the scenes, of men and women having anal. Source: Cosmopolitan
Whilst it’s great that it’s gaining traction in all sorts of media, anal sex, like any other sex, is for you and your partner. It is what you make of it! It can be sensual, heated, rougher, include BDSM or dirty talk (see my article) but it’s what you and your partner like.
PEGGING ( the pegger & the peggee)
Another great myth is that pegging is only great for the person being pegged.
First off, what is pegging: Pegging is a sexual practice in which a woman performs anal sex on a man by penetrating his anus with a strap-on dildo. Alternatively, a woman can peg a woman (vaginally and anally).
The strap-on: these are wonderfully advanced nowadays and many include a pouch to put a vibrator in for the pegger.
The scenario: men are not adverse to the fact that a prostate massage can help them reach a fantastic orgasm. As the prostate is located in the rectum, a strap-on can help. It also reverses the power play roles and allows the woman to penetrate the man.
So why the myth that only the peggee is satisfied? The myth focuses strongly on penetration. It greatly neglects the fact that there has been intense communication, stimulation, play and compassion around the act. The pegger might already have orgasmed previously or have a vibrator in the pouch. Together with the mental stimulation, both can achieve orgasm. Just bear in mind, sex is not just about orgasm.
Clean up / aftercare
If you’ve used a condom, the clean up will be self-explanatory. If you have used a towel, as the giver, have the courtesy to clean that up whilst your partner cleans themselves. Unless you push (like having a poop), there should also be no semen dripping out if you did not use a condom.
Have a warm shower and then go to the toilet if you notice it starting to come out.
With proper foreplay and preparation there should be no bleeding. Should you notice bleeding, be sure to see your doctor.
Be sure to communicate with each other after. Find a connection, cuddle, spend some time together to process what you both experienced.
Other tips and tricks
Blowjob potential: whilst performing oral sex, lube your finger and slide it over their perineum and into their rectum. If you use the beckoning motion, you will stimulate the P-Spot (prostate).
Cunnilingus on a vulva: when arousal is high, offer to insert a butt plug or toy to increase the stimulation. Should this result in an orgasm, the surge of oxytocin will further relax your partner and better prepare for anal penetration.
Massage: while massaging, spread your partner’s cheeks and poke, lick, kiss and suck whilst massaging their butt cheeks left and right.
Sit on my face: a spot of queening never hurt anyone. Kneel over your partner’s face so you control how deep they lick, prod and poke.
Menstruation alternative: many women enjoy anal sex during their menstruation/period as the orgasms release oxytocin, which can relieve cramps. You can wear a cup or a tampon whilst you have anal (the cup actually stimulates the inside walls of the vagina, which can be an added sensation).
Shocker: Inserting your pointer and middle finger in a woman’s vagina while sliding a pinky in her ass. Synonyms: two in the pink and one in the stink.
DP (double penetration): when a woman is simultaneously penetrated anally and vaginally. Synonyms: sandwich.
Base camp: you can prepare a station for things you might need (remember: preparation). You can lay out a towel in close proximity with toys, lube, tissues, wet wipes, condoms, dams, gloves, a drink etc.
Anal play and sex is meant to be pleasurable and fun. If it’s not (and is repeatedly not) then it probably isn’t for you. And that’s ok, because there are so many other wonderful ways to experience sexual pleasure!
A few last myths busted: your anus is not going to “stretch out”, your partner is most likely not going to only ask for anal after or not respect you. Anal sex is also most probably not going to rescue your relationship (if it does, there is possibly a larger problem at hand).
And finally, let me give you some wonderful synonyms for bum fun (because the more you know, the better!):
Anal Sex: ass fuck, ass sex, brown holing, bugger, bum fuck, butt bang, butt fuck, corn holing, digging a ditch, dipping a finger in the fudge, DNA (dick in ass), fishing for mudfish, fourth base, fudge packing, going down the dirt road, Greeking, hump the dump, lube the tube, making pound cake, packing fudge, pack the poop chute, painal, plan B, popping it in the toaster, pumper in the dumper, pushing shit up hill, ram job, ream, rectify, rump raid, saddle up, shit fuck, stir fudge, third way, traveling the Hershey Highway, using the servant’s entrance…
PS Have you read my short story about bum fun over the bath tub? Click here.