Female pleasure and how to find yours
This article is an affirmation: you deserve pleasure. Repeat after me: I deserve pleasure.
Lots of sex, no sex, self-pleasure, no pleasure, intimacy, sensuality and more…
Tell me, what do you desire?
Not so easy to answer, right? But you’re in the right place. Let’s work through this together.
Sometimes, when we neglect our needs and desires, it can feel like we’re rather content without them altogether. But let me tell you, that’s rarely the solution.
So if, like me, you’ve lost your pizazz, then it’s time you took the reins and sorted things so that your pleasure can take the driver’s seat again.
Firstly, let me start by giving you my intent for this article.
I don’t know how it was for you, but my sex education was ridiculous. When my mate asked what a blowjob is, he got detention. Then we were sent off, told to ask our parents about contraception (buying it, not how it works etc.) and left to our own devices (which I’ll have you know left me completely in limbo as to whether I would ever want to have sex at all). It sounded pretty non-essential in life.
Over the years I did explore my own sexuality – for better and for worse – and unfortunately it led me down some toxic rabbit holes and a plethora of probably non-consensual and most definitely non-pleasurable experiences.
That brings me to the words FEMALE PLEASURE.
Let’s roll that around on our tongues for a minute. Female pleasure. So this implies women are also allowed (let that sink in) to experience pleasure.
Synonymous with female pleasure is intimacy, healthy communication within a relationship and enjoyment.
And I, for one, can tell you that that didn’t happen for me until MUCH later in life. Noone spoke about these things.
How did I spend the majority of my relationships? An anxious, over-compensating people-pleaser mess of a partner. Not once did I ask myself how I was feeling? Was I enjoying it? Did I even want it in the first place?
Meanwhile, there are people who still believe sex is a bad thing, dirty, evil even. And why shouldn’t they? Where did sex education go wrong in the past? It was biological, clinical, oriented only to describe the unwanted consequences and how to avoid STIs.
Why did no one teach us about the pleasurable part? Masturbation? How to lead a healthy relationship? It would have avoided a lot of trauma.
So who is this article for?
All those of us who grew up in toxic relationships with people-pleaser qualities, focused solely on our partner’s happiness and fulfilment.
Female pleasure is a concept that is only now gaining traction. With the likes of my generation standing up for ourselves and fortunately the generations that come, we are finally breaking the taboos.
Sex education today: The clit is represented in sex education and a four year old knows her vulva from her vagina.
This article is an affirmation: you deserve pleasure.
Repeat after me: I deserve pleasure.
And now let me tell you how we’re going to achieve that.
I must warn you, it’s not a quick fix. But here are some starters to get you motivated!
We are standing on the precipice of a female future!
At the end of this mammoth of an article I will offer you a questionnaire that you can take in your own time to really take a few moments and question your sexual values and future.
What are my sexual values?
Like with many things, it is up to us to accept responsibility for this part of our life. And it shouldn’t be taken lightly. It makes a huge difference to our entire wellbeing if we give the topic thought and explore our sexuality.
Your sexual values are your beliefs about what is and is not normal, moral, and acceptable sexual behavior and activity for YOU (and you alone).
Once you figure that out (disclaimer: it might evolve), you have the power to live your pleasure fully and share it with a partner.
The key elements of our sexual values (or the circles of sexuality) are:
- Sensuality: involves our level of awareness, acceptance and enjoyment of your own or others’ bodies.
- Intimacy: is the degree to which we express and have a need for closeness with another person. Its components are caring, sharing, liking/loving, trust, vulnerability, self- disclosure and emotional risk taking.
- Sexualisation: involves how we use our sexuality and may include manipulating or controlling others. Its components are media images/messages, flirting, seduction, withholding sex, sexual harassment, incest and rape.
- Sexual health & reproduction: relates to attitudes and behaviors toward our health and the consequences of sexual activity. Its components are behavior, anatomy and physiology, sexually transmitted infection, contraception and abortion (spontaneous or induced).
- Sexual Identity: is how we perceive ourselves as a sexual being. Its components are biological gender, gender identity, gender role and sexual orientation.
And whilst most of us can say what we value in life, the majority will also falter when it comes to our sexual values. So, it’s time we took a proper look in order to define where the road takes us.
Factors that influence our sexual values:
- Current times & location
- Societal views
- Social status
- Gender conformity
- Laws, Culture etc etc etc.
The amalgamation of all these factors is our sexual identity: how we perceive ourselves as a sexual being.
What sex am I talking about?
Sex is such a loaded word nowadays.
It has changed immensely and how we perceive sex and what classifies as sex is different for everybody. So, when you talk about sex, ask yourself what YOUR rules/limits are for:
- Masturbation (as a couple and individually)
- Oral sex
- Anal sex
As you can see, our sexual values can be multifaceted and there is much room for exploration.
You need to define how comfortable you are with all these topics.
Write your sexual autobiography
Sounds complicated and word-y? It needn’t be.
This exercise helps you understand your sexual past. Who were you? Who are you? Who do you want to be?
Start by writing down some experiences or partners that immediately jump to your mind. Think about how they made you feel. Is it something you want to experience again? All these thoughts will lead to you build a foundation on which future relationships and sexual encounters will be measured. You will establish your likes and dislikes and can therefore react more calmly.
Take a few moments to really understand your feelings surrounding these events and possibly also process some trauma. See a professional if these emotions feel overwhelming.
Reflect on your past/childhood/influences/beliefs
What was your sex education like? Did your parents explain sexuality to you? How did you feel about your body and pleasure growing up? Are there religious or cultural reasons your sexuality has evolved in a particular way?
All these questions are important in establishing what constitutes healthy sexuality for you.
And don’t be afraid to question them. Talk to others about them. If you feel unsafe then see professionals.
Sex is meant to be based on a healthy understanding of what feels good for YOU! Not what others have led you to believe.
TYPES OF AROUSAL
It’s important for us to have an understanding of what turns us on before we let loose on our mind and body.
Here are four arousal types:
The Sensual Type are all about their senses. You are turned on by touch, smell, taste and need physical responses.
The Cognitive Type is up in their head. You need to see sexy things, imagine a sexual act and/or use porn to erotically stimulate yourself. This cognitive person is fueled by acts in their mind inspired by past experiences or erotica or visual stimulus.
The Intimacy Type needs the emotional connection with their partner (less easy to work with for solo sex). They need to share feelings and possibly discuss things before they can fully immerse themself in the act.
The Attractor Type likes attention from their partner. You need the compliments, the sexy touch and feeling the attraction with and to your partner.
Ofcourse you can be an amalgamation of these arousal types solo and together.
Unsure which type you are? Here is a questionnaire you can take, which also contributes to research on sexuality!
Relight that fire!
Ah, yes. The hardest part of it all.
Our brain is our biggest sexual organ. Yet it feels like so often, it sabotages itself.
I’m the first to admit I’ve thought of my to-do lists during sex. The first to admit I’ve used my vibrator and clit suction toy to “make it happen quick”. And I’m the first to admit that my brain is the biggest cock-blocker (no gender discrimination intended here).
So where do we go from here?
If you’re struggling to make space for “sexy thoughts” then you’re likely also not having the most fulfilled sex. Our thoughts of pleasure (no matter whether sexual or not) are crucial in managing to connect mind and body before, during and after sex.
And a connected mind and body gives us the most pleasure!
Secondly, if you are not experiencing much pleasure in other areas of your life (the pandemic is totally a bummer in this respect) then it is EVEN HARDER to access our sexy mind space when it comes to bedroom banter.
Hence, the first step is to awaken our minds.
For example: your friends invite you to go strawberry picking. The sooner you start envisioning those ripe, juicy, sweet strawberries, the more you will enjoy biting into one after you have carefully picked it out.
Do you see how this applies to pleasure?
If you start imagining having time with your body tonight, picture touching yourself, be watchful of stirring in your loins or butterflies in your stomach, enjoy sensually eating something or stroke yourself as you get dressed; you might find yourself having an easier time switching off and fully connecting with your body in the evening.
So let’s look at how we can ignite our mind’s spicy parts.
Increase your sensual inputs
This is actually one where you have outside help (phew, huh?).
So often helping our mind feels like fighting fire with fire because we have to use our minds for it!
But there are easier ways for this:
- Erotica (like mine: GIVE IT TO ME!): here are 5 reasons why reading erotica is good for you
- Porn (there are wonderful, ethical, realistic sites like CHEEX: link at the end of this article)
- Audio stories
We’ve become a society used to a fast pace, take-away, social media doom scrolling. With trends like mindfulness taking over it is long overdue that we try and take time for ourselves again.
(Again: start by reading my book. It’s not a huge commitment because there are lots of short stories so you don’t even have to read lots to feel fulfilled! Here is the link.)
One big factor we mustn’t dismiss in indulging in these kind of female pleasure inputs is that we often carry much resentment and/or shame around sexual stimulation.
The act of watching sexual content can be embarrassing for diverse reasons. Again, be aware of these feelings and need be, talk through them with someone you trust or a professional.
It’s easier said than done, but attempt to see all stimulus as an opportunity for yourself.
Arousal of the brain
Make sure you set the scene for yourself. Get your mind in the right mood. Dim the lights, grab some oil and start with a self-massage. Put some music on and slow dance. Ask your body where it wants to be touched today (this might differ each day). Breathe.
Of course you can use exterior stimulation too if you struggle at first. As mentioned above.
See also physical arousal in this article. Trust me, they’re connected!
Plan pleasure (set a timer)
Now this one will have you giggling, but hear me out.
Think of a particularly pleasurable experience. Do it. Now.
Now set a timer for the same time every day with the name:
“Think of that one time.”
What you’re going to experience is that every time that timer goes (don’t just switch it off), you will do your best to think of that sexy moment.
You are inviting pleasure into your mindspace.
Before I venture into more concrete exercises and thought processes for you to consider, I want to ask you to put this one thing in the forefront of your mind:
Fall back in love with your body.
I know, it sounds crazy after the diet wars and horrendous celebrity role models we have experienced the past decades. But it’s time we take back control and learn to love our bodies again.
Believe me, as a woman who has had her fair share of body issues, I know this sounds like a lifetime mission, but let pleasure guide you. By allowing your body to feel pleasure, you may just find that love sooner.
NOTE: Before we approach all the meta levels of pleasure in our bodies, please check in on your physical health in terms of medication, hormone levels, PTSD, depression and so on.
I can’t remember a time when I was truly happy with my body. It seems to follow us a lifetime.
But I’ve reached an age where I know I can either be disciplined about following diets or training regimes or I accept that I’m not that kind of person.
What happens when we accept our bodies? We invite pleasure in.
The hang-ups we have with our bodies create hesitation in exploring our pleasure fully. Hence, when we let go of it and caress our body, thank it for all it has done and finally allow ourselves to ignore the gaze of the world, that’s when we begin to life our life to the fullest.
If you’re troubled and having negative thoughts about your body, talk to someone.
I promise you, when you start loving your body, it will show you what it is capable of.
This is something you can practice alone and can also profit from as a couple.
Like the name says, you want to create a map of your body and establish where you feel pleasure.
The easiest way to do this is with some time carved out just for you, undisturbed, perhaps have some oil, lube, toys at hand.
You are going to map out your erotic zones (which can be in places you’ve never considered before) and figure out your sexual response patterns (what arouses you).
Not only will this help you establish where, how and how much you like to be touched, but it also gives you intent to create a connection with your body.
This is something I will be mentioning quite a lot in regards to female pleasure:
Take time for yourself and your body.
Pleasure mapping is not there to lead you to a goal (orgasm, penetration etc.).
It is essential that you do not go on this adventure with that in mind. Instead, see it as a process to identify new areas of your body, reshape your idea of intimacy, unlock your pleasure potential and reconnect with your body.
Look at yourself
So many jokes about this but ask yourself right now: when (if ever) have you taken a proper look at your vulva.
When did you last sit with a mirror and look at your parts? And if you have, take a minute to ask yourself what you feel? All feelings are allowed. However, if you are feeling shame or any other negative emotions, then this is where the work begins.
As long as you and your vulva are in a bad relationship, all others that follow will be tricky.
There is no shame around our bodies. Enough companies are lifting the lid on female anatomy and showing it in a beautiful (and not pornographic) light!
Listen to your body (gut feelings, intuition etc.)
Gut feeling or intuition is often overshadowed by our logic and reason. What a waste!
Whilst we should always weigh out pros and cons, our gut is a driving force and also responsible for much of our pleasure. How often we dismiss it and work in favour of our strained minds.
There’s a phrase: “mother knows” and many mums will be able to tell you about that one time they stopped a disaster dead in its tracks because they had a feeling. That feeling is an absolute phenomenon and we should work with it more often.
Whilst we cannot harness gut feeling and manoeuvre it in specific directions, we should certainly give it our attention.
For example by meditating or taking time to unburden our minds and listen to our gut.
Those stomach tingles that can preempt calamity, can also ignite pleasure!
Be curious: Sexual Exploration
So you’ve never explored anal? Never been fingered?
For whatever reasons, we’ve all explored as far as we’ve wanted to.
But how about we allow ourselves to be curious?
Whichever restrictions we have placed on our pleasure subconsciously, it is valuable to take a moment here and there and question if there is more we would like to know about.
And the beauty of it is, we can do it in our own time.
You can visit workshops, find alike on social media, read articles, listen to podcasts. That’s the educational aspect.
Finally, we can then apply that knowledge that has perhaps sparked something within us, to our bodies. Find tools, stimulation and most of all: time.
Find time to understand your body and be curious about what it can offer you.
All 5 senses
Meanwhile, during sex, our attention is drawn to our genitals the majority of the time. But we so rarely concentrate on all the other senses.
Sight: watch what’s happening but also look at your partner, deep into their eyes, watch their heart pumping, see how their muscles move…
Sound: listen to your breath, your partner’s breath, the noises your body is making…
Smell: inhale your partner’s skin, your sex smell, their hair…
Taste: lick your partner, lick their fingers, taste each other’s mouths…
Touch: don’t just aim for the genitals, touch all their erogenous zones. Experiment with different types of pressure, scratch, press, tickle…
There are so many levels to sexual relationships that each time should arouse you with the want to explore and experience more!
Read a wonderful story of mine about the five senses and two fabulous women here.
Female masturbation vs female pleasure
Most importantly, and I think I’ve mentioned it a few times, you need to understand your own anatomy and body.
Female pleasure and masturbation are two very different things. Pleasure is an amalgamation of diverse factors in our life. We get pleasure from eating a great ice-cream or enjoying a conversation. Masturbation is part of this self-pleasure. We use masturbation to enhance pleasure in our life. Self-pleasure is playful and exploratory whilst masturbation can be very goal-oriented.
Hence, we masturbate for many reasons:
- Connection: taking time for yourself
- Goal oriented: stress relief, menstruation relief, to create arousal
- Body oriented: connecting with your body, improving your body image
- Freedom of the mind: to switch off your brain
It is incredibly beneficial for us and can lead to:
- Stress release (thanks to a rush of happy hormones and tension relief).
- Less painful menstrual cramps (thanks again, rush of hormones).
- Better sleep (cause you’re so relaxed).
- Greater productivity at work (yes, really).
- Glowing skin (happy hormones to the rescue again).
Masturbation is a massive topic. But the main thing is that you take time for yourself and your body.
A 2014 study of 96 women found that those who masturbate are more likely to reach orgasm. Much of this seems to relate to the anxiety that many people feel around pleasuring themselves and others.
Masturbation quick tips
Here are a few things things to consider for your next time:
- Shake up your usual routine
- Explore new areas of your body (scratch, pull, bite…)
- Use toys
- Change the location
- Different time of day
- Not goal-oriented: see more on orgasms below
- Watch yourself in the mirror
- Talk to your body
- Check in on where you want to be touched
- Take your time
- Don’t go straight for the clit
- Your clit is bigger than you think!
So say we’ve made it this far by allowing our minds to become engaged with female pleasure. Let’s look at our bodies and where to go.
What are the physical signs of female arousal?
- your breasts getting fuller.
- your nipples hardening (getting erect)
- your heart rate and breathing getting faster.
- swelling of your clitoris and your vagina’s inner lips (labia minora)
- having an orgasm (climaxing)
Source: Live Healthily
Different ways to increase our arousal
Angling: Rotating, raising, or lowering pelvis and hips during penetration to adjust where inside the vagina the toy or penis rubs
Pairing: A woman or her partner stimulates her clitoris with a finger or sex toy simultaneously with penetration.
Rocking: The base of a penis or sex toy rubs against the clitoris constantly during penetration by staying all the way inside the vagina rather than thrusting in and out. Usually used when the woman is on top.
Shallowing: Penetrative touch just inside the entrance of the vagina.
Source: Everyday Health
Different types of orgasms
First and foremost, please know that it is not essential to have orgasms. Whilst I will describe the different types of orgasms, know that you don’t HAVE TO have one to experience pleasure in your body.
The different types of female orgasm:
Clitoral orgasm: This is when an orgasm occurs due to stimulation of the clitoris.
Vaginal orgasm: This is when an orgasm occurs vaginal stimulation.
Blended orgasm: This occurs when clitoral and vaginal orgasms occur together.
Anal orgasm: Some females experience orgasms during anal sex.
Breast orgasm: Nipple play can lead to this type of orgasm or be the beginning of a different type.
Cervical orgasm: the cervix is quite high up and therefore harder to reach. It is said to be the opposite of pleasurable if stimulated before the female is fully turned on.
Coregasm: an orgasm induced by exercise.
Ghost orgasm: (or disappearing orgasm) is one that didn’t quite make it through (much like a sneeze that doesn’t end up happening)
G-Spot orgasm: again similar to the blended orgasm and not normally obtained on it’s own but in combination
Squirting orgasm: (see female ejaculation below)
Multiple orgasms: as the name says, the female experiences several orgasms in a row, perhaps of differing strength. Imagine it as a wave that ebbs and flows.
Feel free to evaluate different types of orgasm that you experience. Decide for yourself which ones make you feel high, calm etc.
As for how to achieve each of them, google it!
Or sign up to my newsletter for when I publish a lengthy article about female masturbation!
What is edging and what are the benefits?
Also known as peaking or surfing, edging is bringing yourself (as the word suggests) very close to the edge and then backing down again.
A bit like turning the magic mixer on quickly and then off, again and again until you turn it full blast and it all goes frothing…
Why should you try edging? It teaches us to slow down. With the availability of toys it has become easy to “rub one out” relatively fast. We also become accustomed to a certain pattern of orgasm or stimulation.
By breaking the cycle (much like trying a different food) we perhaps discover something new.
An orgasm rolls over you in four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm and finally resolution. Try and identify these to better understand your orgasms.
Again, it is important you have set the scene, invested enough time in your arousal, perhaps use only your hands, encompass more parts of your body, and close your eyes. When you are close, slow down or back off entirely and really feel into your body.
When the wave has subsided, start up again. You can try this as long as you like but a word of warning: sometimes it can kill the orgasm entirely. No worries: better luck gauging it next time!
What’s the deal with female ejaculation (squirting)?
Some research suggests squirting and ejaculate are two different things. Without going into the science and composition of both, the liquid is propelled from your urethra and can be a mix of urine, water and sometimes something resembling semen.
Recent times have seen a surge in women wanting to be able to squirt (thank you, patriarchy).
Long story short, it is achieved by stimulating the female G-Spot (which is located a few inches into the vagina and up towards the belly button and is part of the clitoral network). It feels bumpy or ridged. With fingers you can stimulate it with a “come hither” movement or you can use especially designed g-spot vibrators which curve upward with a bulb for easier stimulation.
NOTE: not all women enjoy the G-Spot being stimulated. If it’s not for you, that’s also fine.
Enjoy the exploration! You might find something else that you love in the process!
Should you wish for some help in exploring your G-Spot, the German company OhMyFantasy has “Boxes” with complete guides and tools to help you on your journey!
For example, their G-Spot Massage Box! Or Yoni Course or Mystery boxes and also a box for males!
Find all info to OhMyFantasy at the end of this article including a 10% discount code!
Self-massage and Tantra Massage
I know for a fact, that I have a considerable amount of trauma around my vulva and vagina. Tricky partners in the past, non-consensual encounters and the birth of two children have left me with a story to tell down there. Whilst I don’t need to go to a therapist about it, there are in fact healing practices for your down there!
Sexological bodywork, yoni massage and tantra massage are the terms you want to look out for and although mostly on the pricey side (and not available in all countries due to certain sex worker laws), I have heard only fantastic things about them!
You can check out Sex, Love & Goop episode 4 with Camilla and Shandra for a look at how someone feels during it.
Whilst many don’t have access to this kind of treatment (it’s actually illegal in 49 states in USA!), there are ways to treat yourself to a massage at home.
Here is a comprehensive guide: MindBodyGreen
Finally, the one where we can all help ourselves! Sex toys are fantastic for exploring your body.
They work with a multitude of “special effects” if you will: suction, vibration, pulsating, temperature, texture, combined forces, battery operated, usable in the shower/bath, inside and outside stimulation, anal, vaginal, clitoral, nipples ….
You get the idea. The variety is overwhelmingly amazing!
The great thing is, you don’t have to go crazy and try everything at once. Let’s say, for example, you enjoy clitoral stimulation: go for a clit suction toy. If you like visual aesthetics: try a glass dildo!
There are many, many fantastic manufacturers available for you to peruse online or visit a shop for detailed consultations.
What can sex toys do for me?
Apart from the obvious such as helping you get off, sex toys can open new possibilities to get to know your body. By doing so, you effectively know what you like better and can communicate this to a partner.
Also, if you are having partnered sex, you can integrate toys to take the pressure off any kind of “performing”.
You can also use the toys to stimulate all areas such as your inner thighs or nipples.
The main thing is you don’t get too excited and try all the things. Start small, start slow and build up. As tempting as it might be to get into massive butt plugs, take it step by step and be sure to inform yourself of all the items needed for whichever endeavour you might want to experiment with.
It can be incredibly empowering to have a date night with yourself so make the time, take some toys and dive on in!
Find your “ok” place
Now, I said ok on purpose instead of “happy” place. Why? It feels a stretch to always be in a happy place. We can, however, find a state in our life where we can swing to being very happy and also bounce back from feeling crap.
Why is it important to find this place?
Finding this place is a journey in itself and sometimes not achieved for a long time.
But if we strive to find a medium, a middle path, then we can more easily deal with the emotions on either side.
This includes emotions about your past relationship with sexuality, pleasure and intimacy.
As a result, you can begin to focus on your future with all that baggage looked at and closed for good. Let’s take you to greener pastures!
In order for you to move forward with mind AND body, you need to now accept your body with all its flaws. Either you want to change something (then commit to it) or you accept it the way it is. Should someone judge you, shame on them.
You need to love yourself.
Invite that pleasure in.
It doesn’t matter if your thighs rub or you don’t like your nose, that pleasure will find all the right tingly things in your body.
Information, inspiration, exploration!
There is a wealth of information in this world that is easily accessible. We are lucky that modern times shine a light on sexuality and we have sex shops, educators, platforms, companies all geared toward helping us explore our sexuality.
Be sure to make use of it. Reach out, book a course or workshop (I am a big fan of Cheex: more in my affiliate link at the end of this article).
Ask yourself all and any questions. Talk to others about how you’re feeling. Seek out professionals. It’s up to you to take control of your pleasure.
A factor I have thus far not elaborated on is our own self-image.
It goes without saying that how we feel about our own personalities will have a great impact on how we treat ourselves.
This goes beyond pleasure.
We should treat ourselves with kindness.
If this is an area you struggle with, seek professional help. Whether therapy, coaching or taking up a hobby to gain confidence in social settings, taking initiative and small steps will help you feel more comfortable in your body.
This is a biggie. In this article, however, I will discuss it solely from the perspective of wonderful, egotistical self-pleasure. What do I mean by egotistical? I want you to analyse your relationship as what you are GETTING from it and not what you are GIVING.
How do I talk to my partner about my values, needs and wants?
Relationships are tricky at best. We evolve as humans, our personalities are impacted by life and sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a rut or failing to move in a healthy relationship. Always start from a place of “I”. Instead of saying “You never/always …” begin with “I” in your statements “I feel like …. I would like to try …”
In order for us to talk about our values, needs and wants we must first be very clear about what it is we want. Esther Perel, a belgian psychotherapist, states:
Erotic connection is risky and vulnerable. It requires trust so that we can engage in a unique communication that combines self-reflection and a deep understanding of one another. Sometimes, this communication goes beyond talking and relies on our senses.
– Esther Perel
If you do not feel you can talk about your partner, then perhaps it is not the right time. If you think you may never be able to talk about it, then try talking to a friend.
Your desires are important in a relationship.
My article about how to talk about kinks is filled with useful tips on when is the right time and how do I constructively discuss sensitive topics with my partner.
Timing of pleasure/sex/lust
Fact of the matter is, we’re not always on the same schedule. For example, I like sexual acts in the morning. Finding time as a parent can be challenging. Or when working shifts.
Establish for yourself a window when you are open to receive arousal.
Communicate with your partner when it is a good time. This enables you both to approach each other in this time without fearing rejection.
Creating this window is also a way of tease your brain into sexy thoughts.
Try not to see it as a must. The same rules apply: always consent. But see it as an opportunity to use that time to connect with each other.
Physical & emotional intimacy
You hear me talking about intimacy a lot in this article. It is so essential that we are intimate with our partners. But not only in a naked way. Intimacy is about touches here and there. A lingering kiss. Be sure to keep the intimacy alive by holding hands every now and then.
Furthermore, bring your partner a coffee. Or ask your partner to bring you something. Create opportunities to connect. It sounds like another to-do or more work but it very rapidly becomes a habit. And this habit is one that will accompany you and your relationship for years to come!
For more ideas on non-romantic moments of intimacy, read my blog post on spicing up your relationship.
Remember: intimacy can be anything from holding hands, stroking, hugging, kissing, having a nap together, cuddling to massaging.
Exploring new avenues
So you want to explore something new? In the bedroom? In your relationship?
From open relationships to polyamory there are relationship models that can work for you.
The most important thing to watch out for is communication. Whilst this is not the place to explain to you diverse models of relationships, I will tell you that if you are feeling unfulfilled, you might want to do some googling of your own!
Should you be wishing to explore new avenues in the bedroom, I always advise to do some research yourself before (or contact me!), followed by a conversation with your partner and finally perhaps a trip to the sex shop to speak to a professional and gather accessories!
Alternatively, if a sex shop sounds daunting, you can browse the amazing date boxes on OhMyFantasy, which come with guided tutorials on all topics ranging from Slow Sex to RolePlay to Anal or exploring your kinks!
(See more in my affiliate link at the end of this article.)
What am I talking about? Masturbating in front of each other.
It might feel super weird to masturbate in front of your partner but let me give you some good reasons to try it.
Show what you like: this is your opportunity to show your partner what you like, without having perhaps an awkward conversation about it.
Experience each other’s pleasure: learn the body language of your partner (when are they pre-orgasm, what makes them peak etc.), how do they touch themselves (hence how do they like to be touched).
How to set the tone: be playful! Put a smile on your face and play. Tell your partner to do the same. Mutual masturbation can be the initiation! Your foreplay! For many women, getting in the mood starts by touching themselves so this is the perfect way to start!
What to consider before: you must feel safe, secure and comfortable with your partner. This involves your mood, where you are sat and the satisfaction of your basic needs.
Stimulus: you can also try and watch porn together or listen to an audio story.
Additional equipment: perhaps you want to use toys too. Make sure you follow all health and safety.
Seduction: there are many ways to get things started. You can ask your partner how they’re feeling when they masturbate. Perhaps strip and touch yourself to get in the mood. Or even ask your partner if they want to!
IMPORTANT: don’t put on a show. Get engrossed in YOUR body, YOUR actions. Whilst your partner may tell you to re-position etc., make sure it is for your comfort. Don’t let their gaze lead your actions.
Aftercare: take some time for each other afterwards. Cuddle, talk, discuss what you enjoyed. Have water, clean up and take care of each other.
Finding a new language in your relationship
Let’s face it, it can be pretty daunting to break old routines.
However, sexual connection is derived from a bit of risk and anxiety.
When we discover a new language with which we surround our relationship, we create safe space to venture into new, exciting endeavours.
Therefore, dare to shake things up. If your current relationship is in dire need of a bit of a change, then there’s nothing that will make it worse. And if you find yourselves disagreeing, then perhaps that’s the moment you realise the relationship is not headed where you want it to.
Be bold, be brave, listen to your gut and do what’s right for you! Every person is responsible for their own luck and happiness.
MOTHERS & FEMALE PLEASURE
Whilst all the above applies similarly for mothers, there are a few extra notes I would like to add!
It is difficult being a mum and wife and woman. I completely understand.
It’s also easy to lose ourselves in that transition and wonder whether we will ever find a way back to the intimacy and ease of pleasure we experienced before becoming a parent.
We often worry that the resentments we and our partners feel may impact our relationship. And secretly we miss how close we once were.
But you can be a great parent and a fab partner. It takes some time to find the balance and it may not always be ideal but the main thing is that you are trying. Our partners are not ours to keep and can leave at any time.
AND I KNOW: that is a terrifying thought when you are balancing being a good mum with being a good cook, teacher and wife. And I know it feels like just another thing you have to devote your time to but let me tell you
- It’s not just on your shoulders. Your partner is involved in this too.
- It can be fun!
Let’s take the pressure out asap because that will do NOTHING for you.
Here’s my more comprehensive article on libido in long-term relationships with lots of tips for solo development.
Finally, here is a list of things you can do for yourself right now to engage your mind and body in an act of pleasure or relaxation.
- Audio porn
This has been a monumental article! If you’ve managed to read all the way til here, wow! You’ve probably got a lot buzzing about in your head!
No worries: the following questionnaire will help you navigate the next steps of your sexual journey and find out new things about yourself!
I’m just going to leave this here with you:
Love yourself more! You’re not broken! You’re great!
And if you’re still loaded with questions, that’s normal! Talk to a friend or drop me a mail!
SEX QUESTIONNAIRE - to help you find out what you desire!
I have provided the questionnaire as a plain list for you to read through and answer for yourself (SEX QUESTIONNAIRE) and alternatively a google forms doc where you can enter your responses and receive a copy after completion (GOOGLE FORMS QUESTIONNAIRE).
I am a big fan of using tools and outside influences to help us find inspiration and stimulation. These are some of the companies I work with (female-owned) that offer products, guides, stimulation and games for solo and partner use.
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