Long-term relationship sex
10+ ideas to spice up your Valentine’s Day!
Let me start by saying, this article is brought to you by me, a mother and wife with a low sex drive and zero time for seduction plans or grand romantic gestures. I know what long-term relationship sex is like: we’re talking quality and not quantity normally…
And I’ll have you know, that you don’t need all of that to have explosive sex and a mind-blowing date with your partner.
“What?” I hear you cry.
All you need is erotic intimacy.
Firstly, long-term relationship sex has its seasons. You have ups and downs. There are times where you think “why did I even marry this person?” and other moments where you know exactly the storm you’ve weathered together has brought you closer.
Still, it doesn’t help when Valentine’s Day is coming up and you feel the pressure of having to do something sexy and wanton, having to “perform”.
So this year, in 2022, the year that has succeeded two years of lockdown, spending far too much time with one another and often thinking a hotel room on your own or sensory deprivation would be a wonderful thing, let me instead give you a handful of simple, easily executed ideas on how to spice up your long-term relationship sex life.
For a start: you are not going to do this on your own.
This is going to be a team effort.
Both of you are involved.
In this article I will explore the staying in aspect as most couples like to use Valentine’s Day for romantic intimacy of the inside type.
I will be your host in providing a step-by-step guide to having a wonderful time that will help you connect, deepen your love, play and explore and find a way to reignite that flame.
Esther Perel speaks of the fact that commitment isn’t a given in a long-term relationship. Our partners are not “til death do us part” forced to comply with our wishes and desires. We evolve and change and it is up to us to communicate with our partner and make an active effort to facilitate the growth and strengthening of our bond. Once you realise that they can walk away at any given moment, you recognise the necessity of working towards a future together.
Our sex lives come in waves too. There are so many circumstances that influence this. Read more about why our sex drive changes over time and in longterm relationships here.
A study published & carried out by the General Social Survey in 2019 shows the following:
About 47% of married couples have sex less than once a week.
So we are right on track to make that one occasion a spectacular one. Because if, like me, you are worn out, touched out and feeling less than desirable and horny, then that one occasion will be quality over quantity and certainly one you could make a tradition of.
So let’s start with our countdown to Valentine’s Day (or any other big, sexy occasion you’re wanting to plan).
Firstly, the main secret to making the occasion memorable is that there is a novelty factor.
So get out of your comfort zone.
Maybe it’s time for that butt plug, mutual masturbation, reading erotica to each other or a change of location (even within your four walls).
ONE WEEK BEFORE:
Arrange a good time to sit down and have a chat about the occasion.
Don’t worry about the whole “planning isn’t sexy”.
Talking about it in advance will help you identify each other’s needs, desires and wants. It will also add an element of anticipation, which is essential for erotic intimacy. It will have you thinking about that occasion a week in advance.
- Which day works best (let’s face it, we all have busy lives)
- Time of day. Sometimes it can be helpful to switch up the routine by trying intimate moments in the morning instead of evening. How? Easy: it’s brunch instead of dinner. Or stay in bed straight away!
- Hotel or home? If you plan a sexcation in a hotel, go all in! I’m talking room service, bring your own toys, do it in every place, quietly or loudly…
Here is some food for thought (a pick-n-mix) on what to do:
Filling the stomach:
- Take-away (something light comes to mind: sushi?)
- Cook something new together (organise recipe and ingredients)
- Mix some cocktails/mocktails together (organise recipe and ingredients)
Building the anticipation & planning for the occasion:
- Remote controlled toys: you could use these during your dinner
- Sexy music playlist (maybe you compose it together on a day before the big occasion)
- Sensate focus: This is a massage technique used to improve intimacy and communication between partners around sex, reduce sexual performance anxiety, and shift away from ingrained, goal-oriented sexual patterns that may not be serving a couple. You can also think of it as creating a body map of your partner with their erogenous zones (you may be surprised on how this changes in the course of a long-term relationship)
- Porn! Watch some porn together. You can find something you might fancy beforehand or be inspired by what your partner finds.
- Masturbation: this goes for yourself before the date (perhaps even days in advance when you feel the urge and anticipation) as well as before you get funky with each other
- Dirty talk: sexting! Naughty messages on post-its on the mirror, polaroids in a shoe or handbag. Keep it off the cloud and in your biggest sexual organ (your brain!)
- Toy shop visit! Visit a sex shop and browse. Perhaps let yourself be consulted. Toys can really add a new level to your relationship! Don’t use them until Valentine’s Day!
- New outfit: you might want to surprise your partner or you might consider role-play together. Either way, perhaps this is the exterior motivation you need to get your hormones going!
- Initiation: this is not something you need to agree on but if your partner normally makes the advances, try to spice it up by being the one that initiates.
Spice up your routine:
A little goes a long way. You don’t need to be planning great new ventures for your sex life. This evening will be magical because of all the thought that has gone into it.
Give the evening time, don’t rush to the “big finale”.
Revel in each other’s company.
Connecting is 80% of the explosive sexual relations you’ll be having!
Long-term relationship sex can often get us in a rut.
Do you feel like you are in a monotonous routine?
Then perhaps it’s time to dive into some deeper fantasies. This can be daunting and exciting all at the same time. When asked, most people are not able to say what their deepest desires and fantasies are.
A great way to explore these and find out is to use the KnKPlay.me game cards. (Check out KnKPlay.me games here with prices starting at only €5,75. And check out their Instagram account for inspiration).
- Role-play & fantasies: talk about what you desire, what you would like to try. KnKPlay.me, the adult card game, facilitates having this conversation. Maybe take some time to look through the cards on your own individually beforehand in order to investigate your own desires. You can choose MOOD | PLACE | RULES | TOOLS and plan ahead or be spontaneous in the evening (I recommend planning beforehand though!)
- Incorporate toys! This is a novelty for most couples (unless you have tried all the toys out there!). Again, you can use the KnKPlay.me game to inspire you as to where, how and what you will be doing with the toys.
- Sex in every room: this is a great one in combination with the KnKPlay game cards. Choose a few scenarios you want to explore and get it on in every room of your home. What a memory that will stay with you for as long as you live there and probably longer! E.G. oral and toys whilst blindfolded on the washing machine, doggy style with hands cuffed in the living room, masturbation with dirty talk in the kitchen… the scenarios are endless…
- Check out the Kama Sutra (if it’s unsuccessful, at least it will make you giggle!)
- Write a sex menu for each other (appetizer, main course and dessert!) and then agree on a few points for a menu together. For example: Appetizers: massage, blindfold, kissing. Main Course: light BDSM, anal, toys. Dessert: oral, food play, masturbation).
- Switch up the receiver and giver role. This can be infinitely thrilling for both of you! If you want to venture into pegging (strap-ons) etc. perhaps go for the sex shop date beforehand.
FIVE DAYS BEFORE:
Decide on the plans. You’ve had time to think about things, now is the time to decide so you can each prepare accordingly.
THREE DAYS BEFORE:
By now, you should be a little excited. Depending on what you’ve decided to go with, you can be
- purchasing items,
- writing sexts,
- sending pics of details from your outfit,
- talking about your desires,
- playing some music that you’ve chosen etc.
Try to use the time to explore your own body and desires again too if you feel you haven’t connected with yourself in a while. Touch yourself, allow your mind to wander and escape everyday routines.
Eat well, exercise to get the hormones going (perhaps even together).
Every night, before falling asleep, try to envisage that sexy mindspace and that wonderful evening you are going to have. Positive thoughts will reaffirm that sexy spark in your brain.
TWO DAYS BEFORE:
If you want to be extra explosive, stave off the masturbation (and if you’re having sex before this big date then avoid that too). It will have you edging your way towards that moment of ecstasy and on the edge of your seat! But, each to their own, you know…
Also: make sure you’ve made your arrangements such as work, babysitters etc. I know life can be tricky sometimes and you might have to cancel/postpone but you’ve already achieved so much by opening up to each other that you should be able to pick up easily.
ONE DAY BEFORE:
It’s crunchtime! You should be tingling in all the right places now! If life is taking its toll and you’re having trouble getting into the right mindspace, tell your partner! Maybe they are crazy excited and can rub some of that off on you!
THE BIG DAY:
What you do for pleasure stays up to you. If you plan something kinky, remember your safe words, consent and health & safety. If you need inspiration; read some erotica, delve deep into your own fantasies or broaden your perception of what sex is. It’s so much more than PIV (penis in vagina ie penetration)!
What is important is that you stay connected. So:
- Stay present
- Devices off
- Ask questions
- Give feedback
- Look deeply into each other’s eyes
What if I get super nervous?
Here are my final tips on what to do when those “It’s been a while since we had sex and I’m not sure I’m in the mood” jitters creep in:
- Switch on the playlist
- Slow dance in the kitchen
- Hold hands during dinner
- Embrace each other and feel each other’s energy
- Feed each other
- Talk to that inner voice that is holding you back
- Read erotica to each other
- Take a few minutes for yourself and touch yourself (maybe with some oil)
And the rest of the evening should be self-explanatory!
Long-term relationship sex needs dedication and work.
Even if it doesn’t come to sex at the end of Valentine’s Day, this plan will have you looking at your partner with different eyes again.
It takes two, don’t forget that!
And I know sometimes life gets in the way and you’re tired and unmotivated. But you can commit to one night. You can. I believe in you!
HAPPY MEMORABLE EVENING!
Got questions? Drop me a mail: yes(at)pleasepinchmehard.com